TomRed's blog & stuff

A while ago, I mentioned my purchase of Pokémon HeartGold and a shorter while ago I completed it. My experience of that version and its many predecessors I have owned (which all follow essentially the same routine) have left me with a few queries about the realism. That’s right, I’m going to attack the realism of handheld console games involving monsters designed for children.

1. “I have a hostage!”
Problem: Team Rocket (or whatever the antagonists are these days), they fail because of their business plan:
1. Arrange an army of unarmed grunts (but with Pokémon).
2. Invade an important building with weirdly no internal security, take the CEO hostage, and wait until your Pokémon have been defeated by a ten year old.
3. ???
4. PROFIT!
What kind of idiots are they? They can’t be American, as they are unarmed. They can’t be French, as they invaded. They can’t be Japanese, as they’re stupid.
Answer: They have no political or economical motivation, the whole regime is just for teh lolz.

2. “Yes! You’ve fainted! Now to catch y—”
Problem: If I’m not mistaken, I bet most of us (as children) originally thought that making a Pokémon lose its HP killed it, even though it blatantly said the Pokémon has fainted (perhaps it was only my unobservant eyes). When you’re trying to catch one, you are set a challenge to get the HP pretty low without letting it faint. A challenge is a challenge, but it doesn’t explain why you can’t catch a fainted Pokémon. If you chase me, you could probably catch me. If you shoot me, you could catch me quicker. If you throw a rock and knock me out, you’ve essentially caught me. This is not a trivial problem, this has lost me many potential catches, and I demand a solution.
Answer: The wild Pokémon in question actually die from the violence your team has inflicted upon them, the game just didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

3. “I would like to be the Pokémon World Champion but this fucking tree is in the way.”
Problem: You approach the next town with mild excitement (minor excitement if the game is a remake), but what’s this? There’s a goddamn tree/rock/Snorlax in the way! Oh, don’t worry, I’ll just climb it/walk over it/shoot it. What? I need a special HM? Fuck off, I’m doing this the easy way. Alas, the game prohibits the easy way.
Answer: The game doesn’t want to show it, but you’re a really overweight, and climbing a tree will not work this time. You’re so overweight that your Machamp won’t even give you a bunk up. As for the poaching of a Snorlax, there’s no guns in this game.

This sort of rant does not come from rational men, it appears there’s something deep down—anger at something from the past, perhaps—that wants me to rip some plotholes out of such an epic game series. Or, more likely, I am just bored and realised that this site deserves a post once in a while.